Of Toast Spewing Yomas, Kilts and Talking Roses
by Jewel Insert Witty Name Here
Summary: Life wasn't wacky enough in the SM universe, so came this fic... Mamoru is hearing voices as he suffers Jacket-Withdrawl; Usagi is addicted to carrots; the rest of the Senshi are getting stranger too. What's the cause of it all? Toast? Or the new Gnome en


Of Toast Spewing Yomas, Kilts And Talking Roses  
  
~Jewel (Knowsall5@hotmail.com)  
  
Sailor Moon and its characters were created by Naoko Takeuchi.  
  
Disclaimer: Sailor Moon and its characters belong to Naoko Takeuchi and others. No green jackets were harmed in the making of this fanfiction.  
  
Special Note: One day, a few years ago in a distant solar system, I was born. Yesterday I was bored, which was why I visited the Fic bitch (), a wonderful humorous place. I came across the "Original Ideas" sections and saw this:  
  
23) After an accident while breeding roses, Mamoru discovers that he suddenly has the ability to talk to plants. They tell him many useful things like the weather for the following day and whether or not his clothes match.  
  
24) Mamoru finally gives in to pressure and gets rid of that ugly green jacket. Unfortunately, he starts to go through severe jacket withdrawal. He spends many hours in the dark, staring at a picture of him in the jacket and mourning it.  
  
Author's Notes: Admittedly, I myself don't believe this came off as very funny, but I could be wrong. So please read none the less and review and/or e-mail!  
  
***  
  
Mid-afternoon on a sunny Sunday found the Sailor Senshi in battle at the docks. The Yoma of the day was female, stacked and built like a 7ft. wrestler. In place of an arm, this Yoma had a toaster that spat out burnt bread that was still afire. Sailor Mars, the resident pyromaniac of the Senshi, dodged the toast and retaliated with fire balls of her own.  
  
Sailor Mercury, the genius, stood slightly apart from the fight, carefully calculating the Yoma's attributes. Sailor Jupiter called down some lightening to meet more toast mid-air, and obliterate them. And our dear leader of all this, Sailor Moon, ran around in circles...not fleeing from the burning toast, but rather, to it. Sailor Moon's breakfast had been interrupted by the fight, and she'd not yet eaten, so even burnt bread looked appealing.  
  
Appearing satisfied with the data she'd gathered, Sailor Mercury vanished her mini-computer and created a fog that froze the toast. Growling, the Yoma turned, trying to see the blue-haired one, only to have a rose land in its toaster arm. Snarling, and now slighting confused, for Yomas possessed little brains, Toaster looked to the owner of the rose that was now implanted in her arm.  
  
Here came the rescuer of our world saving heroes, Tuxedo Kamen. Our capped crusader leaped from the steam ship he'd been standing on, to in front of the Senshi. With a frustrated screech, the Yoma threw out some more toast. Sadly, this was not to be Tuxedo Kamen's day of grace...as he did some impressive twists and turns to avoid the burning bread, he got in the way of Sailor Mars' fireballs.  
  
His yelps of panic alerted Sailor Mars that her poorly aimed attack had not reached its right target. "Well, what did you expect?" she grumbled. "I can't see in this damned fog!!"  
  
"Mercury make it go away before someone else gets hurt!" Jupiter yelled. In his wild and frantic attempts to put out the fire that had caught his cape, Tuxedo Kamen had bumped into her, his burning cape grazing her skin.  
  
Blushing, Mercury bit her lip. How *did* one call back mist? "Uh, that may be unavoidable, Jupiter."  
  
"You can't make it go away?!" Moon yelled, jumping out of the way of Tuxedo Kamen's flailing arms.  
  
"It's *suppose* to confuse the *enemy*, Mercury," Mars bit out. "*Not* us!"  
  
"I think I have a solution!" Jupiter announced. "I think my lightening shoul--"  
  
"No!" Moon yelled. "You'll just hit one of us. In this fog I can't even see my hand, much less the Yoma--"  
  
"Speaking of which, where *is* the Yoma?" Mercury demanded.  
  
Having gotten out his crispy cape, Tuxedo Kamen was walking away from the scene, muttering to himself. Just then the Yoma seemingly reappeared, and ran right into him! Yelling again, he ran away and straight into Sailor Moon, sending them both to the ground.  
  
"The fog's clearing!" Mercury informed them, sounding too cheerful for Tuxedo Kamen's comfort.  
  
"Now, where's the toast spewing Yoma?" Jupiter asked.  
  
"There she is!" Mars yelled, pointing towards the gated exit. "She's trying to escape!"  
  
"I wonder why," Tuxedo Kamen muttered testily, getting off of Sailor Moon and holding out a hand to help her up.  
  
"What happened to your cape?" Moon asked, hunger making her more light headed than usual.  
  
"Screw the cape," Sailor Mars shouted at them. "We have her weak, finish her, Moon."  
  
Pulling her scepter from thin air, Sailor Moon executed some fancy swirls before calling her power and making dust of the Yoma.  
  
The Senshi and their protector stood in silence for a few moments. "Well, that was a disgrace." Mars burst out, transforming back into her regular self.  
  
"Give it a rest, Rei." Jupiter grumbled before turning to Mercury. "So, did we learn anything from prolonging that battle?"  
  
Back in regular clothes, and holding her computer, Ami looked up and shook her head. "Except that the Yomas are getting stranger, nothing of use came from waiting to dust it."  
  
"Well I'm gone. I still have chores to do." Rei walked away, muttering under her breath about capes and clumsiness rubbing off.  
  
"I may still be able to get something useful from this." Ami said, motioning behind her, where the battle had taken place.  
  
"I'd hate to think that my cape went in vain." Tuxedo Kamen said dryly.  
  
Ami giggled nervously. "Sorry about the fog...next time I'll tone it down. Though I suspect it was only so strong because of all the fog that's around here."  
  
"Come on, Ami." Mako said dejectedly. "You and I are going shopping. You need to have fun...doing so in the middle of a fight can do no good."  
  
Finally Sailor Moon and Tuxedo Kamen were alone in the dock. The people that had scampered when the fight started, finally returned to what they'd been doing. "Sorry about the cape."  
  
Tuxedo Kamen winced. "I suppose I'll get a new one."  
  
"I have to get going. I still have to get breakfast and Mina is coming back tonight, so us girls are meeting at the Shrine later."  
  
"I'll see you tomorrow then." Dutifully he bent and gave his girlfriend a kiss on the cheek.  
  
Still in her fuku, Usagi wandered away, presumably to eat.  
  
: {Two days later}  
  
Mamoru sat in his apartment, staring at some photographs. They were some of the only things he had of his family in this lifetime. In two of the photographs stood a man who look a lot like Mamoru. Tall, pale, dark blue eyes, smirking expression... and a kilt.  
  
Yes, dear readers, our Mamoru-stud muffin was not entirely Japanese. Somehow, somewhere in his family tree, lurked Scottish blood. Well, either that or Mamoru's father liked to cross dress.  
  
Mamoru might have been content to let this little piece of new-found knowledge slide, if not for me, the cruel and easily amused author. No, for this fanfic Mamoru had been assigned to look up his family tree for a genealogy class.  
  
Kilts, Mamoru thought, how would Usako feel about that? Briefly a mental picture of Usagi collapsing in a fit of giggles crossed his mind. And in the background he could envision Rei and Mako pointing and laughing while Ami and Mina tried to be polite about it. Best not to mention it, Mamoru concluded.  
  
: {Villain's Lair}  
  
Meanwhile, the latest evil to stop by Tokyo was up to no good. Indeed, he was an evil tree-hugger. Why continue to cut down trees for paper, Fern mused, when they have computer do-dads?  
  
Well, Fern was not the smartest, but he did have a, gasp!, fail proof plan. Plants... no one ever suspected the innocent and lovely plants!  
  
: {Roof of Mamoru's Apartment Building, Week Later}  
  
Mamoru was in the green house situated on top of his apartment building. It was a beautiful, bright and sunny day. Now as we all know, Mamoru must run up a helluva a bill on those roses he throws around. So our adorable Mamo-chan has decided to breed his own roses.  
  
And so merrily humming the X-files theme song, Mamoru carefully watered his roses. And that was when he heard a voice. A small voice that sounded like it was calling from far way. He frowned and looked around. Sure enough, he was alone in the greenhouse. Shrugging it off, he continued to hum and tend to the roses. Then came the voice again...  
  
"Sing on key!" Still distant, and very tiny it kept chanting and chanting.  
  
Mamoru stopped humming and called, "Who's there?"  
  
"I am! Look at me, at me!!"  
  
Mamoru's eyes widened as he realized the sounds were coming from his roses. "Usako, is this a trick?"  
  
"That little twit couldn't pull a decent trick if her life depended on it." snickered the rose.  
  
"That's not true!" Then in a hushed voice, "Is it really you?"  
  
"Of course it is. And if I had eyes I'd roll them. I thought you were suppose to be the smart one!"  
  
"H-how can you be speaking to me?"  
  
"Hey, buddy, you're speaking to us!" said a different, more aggressive voice.  
  
Mamoru started and turned around, trying to locate the source of this new voice. "I've been studying way too late!"  
  
"Yea, and way too much." retorted the first rose. "In fact, you must have been studying real hard to not have the time to glance at the mirror!"  
  
The second rose began to giggle uncontrollably.  
  
Despite the insanity, Mamoru just had to ask, "What do you mean by that?"  
  
"For someone who use to be an ex-model, you don't have any sense of fashion." replied the second rose, still snickering.  
  
Mamoru looked down, he was wearing his beige pants, black shirt and his lovely green jacket. "What's wrong with what I'm wearing?"  
  
"Nothing, if you were blind and didn't have a problem hurting the eyes of those who have fashion senses!" the second rose started to laugh anew.  
  
"Someone would've told me if this didn't look right." Mamoru said, sounding hurt.  
  
"I'll give you the best piece of advice you can ever have," said the first rose in a conspiratorial tone. "Ditch the eyesore."  
  
"And we don't mean the blonde," the second rose began to cough, presumably from all the laughing.  
  
"What the hell am I thinking? I'm talking to roses!" And with that, Mamoru stomped out of his greenhouse.  
  
: {Fern's Lair}  
  
"It's only a matter of time," Fern crooned to his vines. "Then we can do way with lumberjacks! And after that, the world!"  
  
: {Crown Arcade, Next day}  
  
The roses aren't right, Mamoru kept insisting to himself. But even so, he decided to ask Usagi. So as school ended and finally detention had been let out, Mamoru sat with his blonde girlfriend in Crown Arcade.  
  
Things weren't how they usually were... instead of her usual milkshake, sundae and fries, Usagi had opted for a salad. However, Mamoru was too busy being self-conscious to notice. "Usako?"  
  
"Yes, Mamo-chan?"  
  
"Does this jacket look bad?"  
  
Usagi started to choke on a leaf of lettuce. When Usagi had swallowed her lettuce correctly, she refused to look Mamoru in the eye. "Well?" Mamoru prompted.  
  
"It-uh, um. Why do you?"  
  
"Someone uh, recently pointed out to me that I was lacking in fashion sense."  
  
"Well, your tuxedo is very spiffy!" Usagi exclaimed, trying to find a way to change the subject.  
  
"Yea, but what about my jacket?"  
  
Usagi let her head drop. I'll lie, Usagi said, some things are just better left unknown. "I love your jacket, Mamo-chan."  
  
Mamoru immediately brightened up. However, his happiness was short- lived because after answering his question, Usagi excused herself to go to the washroom. And then her salad began talking to him!  
  
"She's lying, you know." said a half-chewed leaf.  
  
Mamoru stared at the lettuce. Crazy, he thought, I've been brainwashed one too many times and have gone crazy. But for good measure anyway, Mamoru picked up the piece of lettuce and ate it.  
  
"Well wasn't that just rude!" said another lettuce leaf, sounding offended. "All she did was tell you the truth. Your girlfriend is lying. She hates the jacket."  
  
"She hates the tuxedo too," squeaked another leaf.  
  
By the time Usagi returned to the table, her salad was gone. "What happened to my salad?"  
  
"I got hungry." Mamoru said, looking a bit sick.  
  
"Oh. Well that's alright. I was finished anyway." Usagi took a closer look at her boyfriend. "You don't look very well. Are you feeling good?"  
  
"No, actually. I'm probably just coming down with the flu."  
  
"You should go home then." Usagi looked cheerful suddenly. "And I'll come by later with some carrot soup!"  
  
Mamoru looked at Usagi as though she was the crazy one. "Carrots?"  
  
"Yea, why?"  
  
"I just don't feel like eating plants lately."  
  
Usagi shrugged. "Funny, because for the past two days I've been craving for carrots."  
  
"That is quite funny."  
  
: {Mamoru's Apartment Building, That Night}  
  
Mamoru stood outside of the greenhouse, trying to build up the courage to go inside. The fact that he wanted to have a conversation with roses wasn't lost on him.  
  
When he stepped inside the greenhouse, Mamoru was greeted with "I knew you'd be back!"  
  
"Um, I was thinking that maybe the green jacket isn't the best fashion statement. So... help."  
  
: {Usagi's House}  
  
It was late at night and Usagi's family and guardian cat were all asleep. The house was quiet except for the chewing noises coming from the kitchen. Usagi sat on the floor next to the refrigerator eating carrots.  
  
Sometime near midnight she'd woken up with the intense craving for carrots. Usually she woke up to steal sweets from the kitchen, so wanting carrots had startled her. But she'd decided that carrots were much better, as they were healthier.  
  
Maybe Mako can find a way to make different recipes with carrots, Usagi thought. I really hope she knows some good recipes with carrots.  
  
: {Mamoru's Apartment, Next Day}  
  
They're not wrong, Mamoru thought to himself, they wouldn't lie to me. Mamoru stood in his bedroom, looking at his full length mirror. The roses had made a very logical suggestion... get rid of the cape. And thinking about the last battle when his cape had caught fire, Mamoru had decided that the roses were right.  
  
"And they were also right about the pants," Mamoru said out loud. "It does make a bold fashion statement to not conform to how society says one should dress. Besides, I'll move much easier without the constraint of pants."  
  
Yes, my dear readers, Mamoru had done it. He had give up his pants in favor for a black and white kilt! Now standing before his mirror, Mamoru admired his legs.  
  
Usagi shows too much leg in her fuku, Mamoru had justified. This is an equal relationship, so why can't I bare my legs too?  
  
: {Usagi's School, Lunch Time}  
  
"Usagi, it's just not normal!" Ami said, very much shocked.  
  
"They're carrots, you do know that, right?" Mina asked, thinking that maybe her pigtailed friend was confused.  
  
Usagi merely rolled her eyes. "I'm not stupid, Mina. I do realize that they're carrots."  
  
"But Usagi, you can't stand healthy food!" Mako exclaimed, still trying to get over the shock as the rest of them.  
  
"Ami, do you think it could a result from eating the toast that yoma was spewing?" Mina asked thoughtfully.  
  
"It could be. The components of the toast would not be the same as regular toast. Or at least, I don't think so."  
  
"It has nothing to do with yomas," Usagi said. "I just want to eat healthy."  
  
"I say it's the yoma." Mako said, simply refusing to believe Usagi was eating the carrots of her own accord.  
  
"After school I'll scan her with the computer." Ami offered. "And Rei can chant to the giant fire."  
  
: {Rei's Shrine, That Afternoon}  
  
"I've been thinking," Mina said, but was cut off by Rei.  
  
"Must be a first," Rei muttered.  
  
Mina chose to ignore the comment. "Maybe I should shave my head."  
  
"She probably ate some of the toast too," Mako whispered none too quietly.  
  
Ami suppressed her giggles as she continued to scan Usagi. When she was finished with the scan, she closed the computer and announced, "The computer didn't find anything."  
  
"See? I told you," Usagi said from between bites of carrot.  
  
"But you have to admit this is pretty strange." Mako said, unconsciously munching on a carrot stick.  
  
"Yea, it is weird." Ami agreed, picking up a carrot stick as well.  
  
"What is it about carrots?" Rei mused, chewing on a carrot stick with the other three.  
  
"Could have something to do with being long, hard and pointy," Mina giggled, even as she ate a carrot.  
  
Mako and Rei snickered.  
  
"Mina!" Usagi yelled. "Your mind is so filthy!"  
  
"Besides, Usagi has Mamoru." Ami said, not even aware of saying it.  
  
"Something very strange is happening..." Mako muttered again.  
  
: {Fern's Lair}  
  
"It's almost time," Fern said to his cabbage patch. "Soon we'll expose ourselves and have the Sailor Senshi groveling before us for more carrots!"  
  
"Yea, but then what?" Asked a nearby vine. "What happens to the carrots?"  
  
Fern shrugged. "I really hadn't thought of that. But I guess it's for the good of the others."  
  
"The carrots don't strike me as self-sacrificing," piped up a cabbage.  
  
"But what are they going to do about it?" Fern cackled.  
  
The plants looked at each other. Fern had a point. So the plants joined in his maniacal laughter.  
  
: {Mamoru's Apartment, Two Weeks Later}  
  
It'd been nearly a month since the last yoma attack. Mamoru was getting impatient about it. He really wanted an occasion to show off his new outfit.  
  
And he was really missing his green jacket. Even now he sat on his couch, lights dimmed, staring at a picture of him in his green jacket. How he missed it! But it'd been picked up by the garbage people two weeks ago. And no where he went did he see another jacket like it.  
  
"Oh, we had such good times, my dear," Mamoru sobbed.  
  
It was such a heart wrenching sight. However, it was interrupted why a loud knocking on Mamoru's door.  
  
"Mamo-chan!" came a shrill voice from the other side. "Mamo-chan, I really need to see you!"  
  
Mamoru sat up quickly. He looked around frantically for a place to hide the photograph.  
  
"Oh, the door's unlocked!" Usagi turned the knob and walked in. "Mamoru, why is it so dark in here?"  
  
"Usako! What are you doing here?" Mamoru tried not to sound guilty.  
  
"My mom forgot to buy carrots. She says I've gone too far with the dieting." After entering the apartment, Usagi had turned and talked to Mamoru's refrigerator. Now she tumbled through it looking for carrots.  
  
Mamoru was still trying to hide the picture when Usagi emerged from the kitchen with a handful of carrots. "What are you doing, Mamo-chan?"  
  
"Uh-- nothing. Nothing at all."  
  
"You've been worrying me, Mamo-chan. For the past few weeks you've been acting so strange. Ever since you decided to throw away that ul-- lovely jacket."  
  
"You've been strange too, Usako. I've gone from stocking up on hot chocolate to stocking up on carrots!"  
  
"Carrots are good for you," Usagi defended. "Crying about a jacket, on the other hand..."  
  
"I am not crying! And I haven't even thought about my jacket!"  
  
Smiling mischievously, Usagi darted behind the couch and picked up the dropped photo. "Ah-ha!"  
  
"I can explain!" Mamoru said quickly.  
  
"No, I don't think you can. Sitting here in the dark with a picture of your jacket... It speaks for itself. If the jacket meant so much to you, why'd you get rid of it?"  
  
"The roses told me to," Mamoru replied, pouting.  
  
Usagi's eyebrows flew up to her hairline. "The roses?"  
  
"Yes," Mamoru said testily.  
  
"I think you should've seen a doctor a few weeks ago when you first started asking about the jacket."  
  
"I miss it!" Mamoru said, sniffing. "I spend hours in the dark, just wishing it would come back!"  
  
"Then why don't you just get another one?"  
  
"They don't make them anymore!" Mamoru wailed.  
  
"Well, um-"  
  
Luckily, Usagi was saved from having to say something comforting because her Senshi communicator beeped.  
  
"Usagi!" shouted Mina. "Get to the local conservatory! The plants, they've gone rabid!"  
  
"Uh-oh. I think I may have figured out why your roses spoke to you and I've been obsessed with carrots."  
  
"So you admit it!" Mako said triumphantly through the communicator.  
  
"Quickly, Mamo-chan. We need to get to the conservatory!"  
  
So without further procrastination, Usagi transformed into Sailor Moon. And Mamoru transformed into, well, um, in a manner of speaking--  
  
"A kilt!" Usagi screeched. "You're wearing a kilt?!"  
  
"The roses," Mamoru said sheepishly in an offhand manner.  
  
"The roses." Usagi repeated.  
  
"Usagi!" Rei yelled over the communicator.  
  
"Oh, right. We'll talk about this later."  
  
: {Fern's Lair}  
  
"Success!" cried Fern.  
  
"Don't jinx it!" hissed a lily.  
  
: {Conservatory}  
  
"Poison ivy!" Sailor Venus screeched. "Keep away from here! It's poison ivy! Dear gods, it itches!"  
  
"Rose thorns! Thorns galore! Now I know how the yomas feel after Tuxedo Kamen attacks!" Sailor Jupiter whined, trying to extract seven thorns from her arm.  
  
"Make it stop! Make it stop!" Sailor Mars yelled as she ran around the conservatory, vines wrapped around her legs and arms.  
  
"Jupiter Thu--"  
  
"NO!" Mars screamed.  
  
"But I can hit them!"  
  
"Someone get these marigolds away from me! I'm allergic!" Sailor Mercury sneezed.  
  
"Stop!" shouted Sailor Moon, appearing in the doorway. And the plants and Senshi paused mid-struggle. "I am the beautiful protector of love and justice, Sailor Moon!"  
  
"And I am the handsome and heroic Tuxedo Kilt!" Tuxedo, uh, Kilt, announced.  
  
Sailor Moon blushed as Mako gave a catcall. "So what do I need to dust?"  
  
"The entire stupid conservatory!" Mercury yelled between sneezes.  
  
"You can't win, Senshi!" announced a new voice.  
  
The Senshi and Tuxedo Kilt turned to look at the newcomer. It was a male who looked more like a gnome. He was short, maybe just above three feet. He was on the pudgier side, and leaves that looked like ferns stood on his head in place of hair. "I am Fern!"  
  
"No freakin' kidding," Mars said, roughly pulling the distracted vines away from her arms.  
  
Venus coughed, trying to not laugh and scratching her arms where the poison ivy had latched on to her.  
  
"I will not be mocked!" Fern said with a stomp of his little foot. The little gnome smiled, "Not when I have the only steady supply of carr-- OOWWWW! MY NOSE!"  
  
"Looks like an overripe tomato," said Jupiter, who had taken advantage of his little temper tantrum to kick him in his face.  
  
"These morons just keep getting dumber." Ami marveled, allergies momentarily forgotten.  
  
"In the name of the Moon and all those who dislike carrots, I will punish you!" Sailor Moon said, taking off her tiara, because as the author I think it would be a more satisfying way to kill the gnome.  
  
"Oh no you don't, Sailor Moon!" Venus said, frantically scratching her arms. "This little weed is mine!"  
  
"And mine!" yelled Mercury, rubbing her eyes that had gotten puffy.  
  
Mercury's bubbles wrapped around Venus' crescents to rush at Fern.  
  
"No," Fern cried. "I won't be defeated!"  
  
"Tough peas," Tuxedo Kilt said, throwing a rose to join the attack.  
  
"AAIIIEEEE, MASTER!" shrieked the rose.  
  
: {Crown Arcade, Next Day}  
  
"So he was using carrots to try to control us?" Rei asked, still not accepting of Fern's plots.  
  
"Yep," answered Usagi. "It all just clicked in my head. If we got addicted to carrots, the little pest could try to control us with his control over carrots." Usagi paused. "But I'm still not sure why he made roses talk to Mamo-chan."  
  
"Maybe he guessed Mamoru might have a little break down without the jacket," Ami said, rubbing her puffy eyes. "I just wish my allergy medicine would work faster."  
  
"Or maybe the weed just wanted to see Mamoru's legs," Mako teased.  
  
"And what a sight it was," Rei said with a wink.  
  
Usagi sniffed delicately, "I'm just happy I was able to talk him back into wearing pants."  
  
"Well after accidentally falling into the poison ivy patch, I regret the kilt." Mamoru said, reaching under the table to scratch his leg.  
  
"Yea, that poison ivy patch was a real bitch," Mina complained, scratching her own arm.  
  
"Well it's over and done with," Usagi said with a nod of her head.  
  
"And there was something strange about the carrot cravings."  
  
"Yes, Mako," Rei said with a sigh. "There was something to worry about with the carrots."  
  
And so our world saving heroes would never look at carrots the same way again. Nor would they be repulsed by the sight of the awful green jacket again.  
  
*end*  
  
Please review and/or e-mail. ~Jewel (Knowsall5@hotmail.com) 


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